Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed