Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
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*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons: