A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Sharon I have some bad news
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?