WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
There’s always that one guy
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass