WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Probably my best painting.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.