Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
😏😏😏
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.