WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
You Might Also Like
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
What
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.