👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
God has left this place
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?