Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.