In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
How to woo a woman
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”