wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.