Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there.

@Marlebean: Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see! *walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway* "Great job, sweetie!"

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@Phook75: My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went

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@E_lok44: "Why can't I just eat the wax?" ~me, when I can't open the cheese

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@frankzulla: "Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?" - Guy about to get stabbed bad

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@ch000ch: i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

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