The Book. The Movie.
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Social Media and Real life
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.