wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
me after drinking all the wine:
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Self-cleaning conscience
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge