wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Fiction has to make sense.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer