Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
also my go-to takeaway order
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.