wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
#ProTip
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?