Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Never be a pizza!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Mornin
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I was up all night reading about insomnia
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW