[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated