Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My work here is don’t.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
As the Lord intended
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.