Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
You Might Also Like
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.