There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
You Might Also Like
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.