I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
good work, detective
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.