DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
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me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Velcrow
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
This January has 47 Mondays
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Pass gas, not judgment.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.