I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
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Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
reduce, reuse, recycle