Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes