It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world