Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?