WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
so i’m at the stock market right
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”