Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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Just a phase…
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I am, perchance
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.