wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of