Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Breaking news:
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Buck naked
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.