WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Body by Oreos
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.