wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude