WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
You Might Also Like
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?