wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.