WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
You Might Also Like
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?