WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.