Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
how much for the angry fruit?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.