A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
You Might Also Like
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.