me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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Go girl power!
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
@ candidates for local office
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding