Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.