Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My Guy
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good