Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
🐕🍷
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”