Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.