WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
My therapist after every session
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.