It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays