Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.