wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Dead sexy!!
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty