WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Check your privilege
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
📽️movie date🎞️