WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
You Might Also Like
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
What personal space?
My dog
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.